Every relationship offers an opportunity for self-discovery. The dynamics we experience with others tends to highlight aspects of ourselves we haven’t fully acknowledged, accepted or owned. When we find ourselves at odds with another person, it’s not just about the other person’s behaviour. It’s usually a mirror reflecting our own unmet needs, our fears, or unresolved patterns of behaviour.

The traits we find most challenging in others can point to the traits within us that are ready for transformation and growth. What if, instead of reacting, we paused to reflect? What if we used these moments less for blame and more for say, deepening our self-awareness, or as a challenge to learn from, or as an opportunity for personal transformation.

Samantha is a client, struggling with a situation at work. Samantha sees herself as a calm and patient person. But there’s one colleague, Mark, who constantly annoys and upsets her. He talks over people in meetings, seems overly confident, and always needs to have the last word. Every time he speaks, Samantha feels a surge of irritation that borders on fury. She tells herself it’s because he’s arrogant and disrespectful.

But one day, after another frustrating interaction, Samantha realises she’s had enough and decides she wants to break the cycle. As we discussed, she decides to try out the idea of pausing as a way to interrupt her usual reaction. Samantha asks herself: Why does this bother me so much?

In that moment of reflection, she realises it’s not just Mark’s behaviour that bothers her, it’s what it brings up in her. She remembers times in the past when she held back from speaking up, doubted herself, or deferred to others out of fear of being seen as “too much.” Mark’s boldness triggers her not so much because it’s wrong, but because it touches a part of her soul that longs to be more assertive and confident.

Blaming focuses on assigning fault and usually comes with judgment or shame. Being accountable yourself and encouraging accountability from others in a conflict promotes personal responsibility and growth. It helps us repair, learn, and move forward.

Gail Goodwin 2025

By shifting from blame to experimenting with a different approach, Samantha sees an opportunity for growth. Instead of staying stuck in judgment, and the shame of being judgmental, she begins to explore her own voice, boundaries, and inner confidence. Mark became a mirror for her, revealing a part of her that was ready to evolve.

Now, let’s go one step further and talk about your relationship with your partner. Say you and your partner “Jason” have been in a relationship for a year. You are deeply affectionate and value emotional closeness. Jason, while caring, tends to be more reserved. He needs space to process his feelings and doesn’t always express emotions openly.

Over time, you start to feel hurt and frustrated. You think: Why can’t he just open up more? Why does he always shut down when things get emotional? You begin to criticise him for being distant. Your connection starts to feel strained. But one evening, after another argument, you decide to take a step back instead of reacting. You sit with your feelings and ask yourself: Why does his emotional distance feel so threatening to me?

In that moment of self-reflection, an epiphany emerges. You realise that Jason’s emotional reserve stirs your own fear of abandonment. It’s a fear you’ve had since childhood. You can see how you’ve been trying to control the relationship by demanding closeness, instead of learning to feel secure within yourself.

When we pause instead of react in relationships, we create space for transformation, both within ourselves and in our connection with others. The traits that trigger us the most are the ones holding up a mirror to what we’re finally ready to overcome.

Jason’s behaviour wasn’t wrong. It simply exposed an aspect of your character (an archetype) that was ready for transformation. With that awareness, you can begin to work on building inner emotional safety and trust. You can be more open and compassionate toward Jason, and the relationship begins to shift as you own your part in the dynamic.

The thing is, when you don’t learn from your relationship experience, your patterns tend to repeat, and often with increasing intensity. You will find yourself in similar situations, relationships, or challenges, that leave you feeling stuck or frustrated. Personal growth is stalled because valuable insights are overlooked and therefore not integrated as wisdom. As a result, regret, resentment, trust, or self-doubt can build over time. Without reflection in our relationships, experience becomes a cycle instead of a teacher.

Real, down-to-earth, soul-to-soul connections start when we approach our own imperfections with compassion, so we can truly own them. In this way, we create a solid foundation for more authentic, resilient relationships.

The traits that challenge us in others might just be the step up to our next level of transformation, wholeness, and authentic power. Every relationship is an invitation for us to learn and grow in wisdom.