The process of forgiveness is a long and complicated road. The struggle is real. There are u-turns and backtracking. It can be repetitive. Maybe you need a map to make it happen.

But.

Before you start, there is a prerequisite. You need to prepare yourself to forgive by doing your energy work first. That way, you open yourself to forgiveness and lessen your struggle. You can learn about doing your energy work here.

After doing your energy work, the next step is to apply compassion to your wounds. This allows you to heal and forgive. Here’s how to do that:

1. Recognise

Recognise and acknowledge the hurt or harm caused by the other person’s actions. Scan your body. Where in your body do you feel the tension, hurt or pain? Give this part your kind attention. Your kind attention heals.

2. Accept

Allow yourself to experience, with kindness and without judgement, the emotions you’re feeling. Ask yourself: What is happening inside me right now? Name it. Tension. Tightness. Pressure. You get the idea. Ask: Can I let this be? Send a message to your heart to “let be” the entire experience. Say yes to the part of you that is ready to forgive, and say yes to the part of you that hates the experience, or is trying to deny or resist it.

Open to your embodied experience. Focus into it. Bring a gentle, curious attention to what you’re experiencing in your body. What does this part of you most need? You don’t need to dwell on thinking about this experience, instead keep bringing your attention back to your bodily experience.

As you sense what is needed, call on your compassionate heart and inner wisdom to discover any message that you may receive, or to discover what this vulnerable part of you needs to feel loved, seen or safe. Nurture your emotions with loving presence.

You can learn more about recognising, allowing, investigating and nurturing your emotions with compassion in Tara Brach’s book, Radical Compassion: learning to love and accept yourself and your world with the practice of RAIN, published by Penguin Random House, 2019.

3. Grieve

Let yourself grieve the loss or pain caused by the situation. This may involve repeating Steps 1 and 2. You might need to experience and process emotions such as anger, sadness, or disappointment. The stages of grieving, according to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages are not always linear and can occur in any order. You might experience some or all of these emotions as you process forgiveness and any loss or significant change that accompanies it.

4. Decide

After moving through Steps 1 to 3 you may find yourself ready to take a conscious decision to forgive the person who hurt you. Taking this decision is more about your healing and well-being, and less about how it might benefit the other person. Doing this doesn’t mean that you forget what happened. Forgiveness means you are choosing to not let the situation inhabit your body, to not let it consume your thoughts and to not let it poison your emotions.

5. Review

Check your body for any lingering resentment, anger, or the desire for revenge. If you sense these emotions are present in your body then repeat Steps 1 to 4.

6. Move Forward

Focus on rebuilding trust, setting or resetting boundaries, and moving forward with your life. This may involve communicating with the other person, seeking closure, or accessing therapy to make changes to prevent similar situations in the future.

Practice self-compassion throughout the process. Recognise that sometimes forgiveness is a process of one step forward and two steps back. It’s ok to have setbacks. You will experience moments of struggle. Allow yourself the time and space needed to heal. You don’t need to do this on your own. Consult a qualified therapist to guide you through the process.

“What you do to others, you do to yourself. And what they do to you, they do to their self. Forgiveness makes space for you to recognise that All is One, without a second. Let your acts of forgiveness be your contribution to the evolution of consciousness within the collective soul.”

Gail Goodwin